not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Randomize
