I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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