morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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