I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
