The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
