Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
