I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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