My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
