I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
