By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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