I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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