I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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