puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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