yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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