dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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