Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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