I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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