I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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