6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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