Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
