i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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