Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
