i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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