Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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