There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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