Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
