Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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