she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
