So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.