I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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