Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
