This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
