yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
