Banned from zoo.
Again?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
