Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
