If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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