Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
