Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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