Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
