Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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