hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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