I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
