thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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