I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
