i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
