I understand Curling. That high.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
