After last night, I could never be a politician.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
