Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
