its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
