remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
