Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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