they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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