My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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