I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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