I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
