update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
