I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
