Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(209): View more from California

His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.

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(516): View more from New York

WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(914): View more from New York

Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.

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(708): View more from Illinois

If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.

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(585): View more from New York

don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering

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