I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
