It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
